Disappointment

It suddenly dawned upon me that my dad may have been very disappointed with me since many years ago. What makes me think this way?

I just had a long heart-to-heart chat with my aunt this afternoon and it turned out that dad has been having temper outbursts rather frequently lately, though always not in our presence. The latest was over a rather trivial matter, in which dad purportedly asked mom to shut up.

By any standard, Dad should have been in the pink of health since retiring almost 10 years ago, as he observed a strict diet and was a former top marathoner and active sportsman. There's little or no pressure on his life as all of his children are financially independent. Yet, he's taking loads of medicine for hypertension and high-blood pressure. He attributed this to his lack of exercise as worn-out knees have forced him to quit running quite abruptly some years back. But now I think that's just a cover for something hidden deep inside him.

I was told by aunt that dad had griped in the past about me. It was about my not practising in the accounting line despite graduating with a Bachelor of Accountancy degree from NUS in 1991. He felt that I have thrown my varsity education away by trying to carve a career in the IT industry. In those early years when I often worked late and overnight to establish myself in the IT industry, he once told me that I should have practised as an accountant. Years later, when I finally did well enough, I chose to step aside from a promising career in a top IT firm. Despite having an MBA, I now work in a Voluntary Welfare Organization (VWO), drawing about 60% of what I used to draw. Dad hasn't said anything directly to me this time, but I feel he may have simply bottled it inside him, and maybe taking it out in other ways.

Dad, I think, has never forgotten the day I declared myself a Christian almost 22 years ago. He had said something about my blindly embracing Western values. With the chain of events leading me to move away from the corporate rat race into the Christian-based VWO that I now work in, from a top student and one of the brightest in my extended family, from one whom uncles, aunties, cousins and neighbours have had the highest expectations at some point in time, to an average family man now contented with raising family, serving Christ, church and community, one who commutes by public transport, it must have been the biggest upset of his entire family history. Afterall, what is he to say to his relatives? That his eldest son, once the bright shining star, now works for a church and is actively campaigning for the deaf community, whilst tales of sons & daughters of friends who have made it big in the corporate world continues to assault his ears?

I feel sorry for Dad. I didn't meet his expectations, and perhaps, never will. I have tried explaining to Dad what caused me to change my perspectives on life. God spoke to me in a dream that changed my life forever. It's one of those things that seemed remote, perhaps only happening to Christian missionaries and evangelists, but when it hits you, you wake up. It made me sit up and pay attention to what I have neglected over the years as I busied with growing up and building a career. The only thing is perhaps Dad may have wished that this turning point came much later in my life, say, when I am in my 50s, after I have had the material rewards any self-respecting product of our society should come to expect.

But I have no regrets Dad. One doesn't know how long one gets to live, but just as in a marathon, once you know what you are set out to do, you just do it, and put all your heart into it. That's just what I am doing. Perhaps one day when you come to acknowledge God, you will see things the way I see it. You will then agree that the pursuit of material things, titles and status symbols is plain folly. You will then see why I think it makes sense to invest our whole being into the relationships we have with our loved ones, friends and others in need. Because Dad, even if I finish my race in life as some successful corporate man, God wouldn't have been impressed. The fact is, even if I am the richest man in the world, God wouldn't have been impressed either, and this concerns me. Because I acknowledge God's presence and role in life, I want to be able to face up to God when I finally meet Him. With 40 years of life behind me, I want to make sure I give my best to this cause. Because it will be worth it all, Dad.

Dad, I pray that you will open your heart to Jesus. As much as He seems foreign to you, He is the only one who can make a true difference in your life. He is your life, Dad. I pray that you will not resist God anymore, but let Him walk with you. He longs to surround you with His love, take out all the bitterness, anger and resentment, and fill you with His peace. God loves you, Dad and I love you too.

Thomas