Loving my father

I sometimes feel at a loss as to how to love my father. It's hard to love him.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that I cannot make myself love my father. I can, but the love just doesn't reach or touch him, that's what I mean. He rejects gestures of love and good intentions, as if we don't know each other, and it's just so hard to even do something for him.

I don't really know my father, or I should say, I know him so well, that I think we can do nothing about him. He is just like that. He can do things for you, but when you try to do things for him, he turns down everything as if he doesn't need your help or cannot afford to receive your love. Here's where I get all perplexed. Why can't a person allow his children to show love to him? What's wrong with that? Wouldn't parents want their children to love them? Which parent would block all attempts by their children to show some love or filial piety, if you like? Will I be like that to my own kids when I am at his age?

I shudder. What's wrong? I don't know. Perhaps it's his own experience with a father who was never there to love him or care for his family, a father whom he hated, that caused him to be like this. Perhaps he doesn't know love or doesn't think that love exists, even if it's from his own flesh & blood.

Father,
I know you will never read this, because you don't even know how to use a PC, much less the internet. Nonetheless, I want you to know that it's painful for us, your children and for mom. We want to love you because we really do, but each time, when you shoot down our well-meaning gestures with negative statements, we feel hurt and unworthy. Until now, you tend to belittle mom and us with your words.

I don't know how to love you if you keep rejecting us. We will not give up on you, but I just feel that as a person, you should at least keep an open mind about things. We are your family. We are people who trust you, whom you can trust. There's nothing wrong with accepting love. We accept whatever you do for us all the time.

Yes, I agree that receiving love may make one feel vulnerable, & may not even go well with your previous image of an achiever who seems to be able to overcome all odds, but I tell you from my heart, it's love that makes life complete. You love and receive love in return; that's life. Receiving love gives others a chance to return your kindness, to show that they appreciate you. It's cruel to reject all gestures of love, especially from those who really love you, because by not giving us a chance to, you are saying that we are not fit to love you. How can we be unfit to love another fellow human being? Are you above us, that we are not fit to do anything for you? Even the God whom I serve desires my worship, praise and love.

I pray father that you will come to realize this soon. Time is ticking away, and I really hate to see you live this way till your last, for if that were to come to pass, we will all remember you as a selfless person who overcame the odds and have been an inspiration to many, but have nonetheless never quite known how to relate to people, much less allow people to love you. Love is a 2-way traffic, my dear father.

Thomas