I was in anguish, right after reading Lighting Fires, by Randy Clark. It was a powerful, stirring account of a man, fallen as he was, and used and transformed by God in the most unexpected manner. I was humbled by what Randy was put through, and encouraged by the subsequent fruits in his life and walk with God. It is a book that I encourage all believers to read if you are serious about God and being used by Him for His glory.
My spirit felt a sense of unease. On the one hand, I asked for forgiveness and re-dedicated myself to God to use in any manner as He deems fit; on the other hand, the moment I have done so, I was suddenly confronted with several challenges. Anger welled up within me in the early hours of yesterday, right up to the doorsteps leading to the Sanctuary where Sunday Service was in progress. I was a miserable person. But the strange thing was that it didn't rob me of receiving the word that was spoken and the touch of the Holy Spirit right at the altar. I know God is preparing me for a revival in a special way. His timing for me to finish reading the book in 2 days was simply perfect.
I have relooked at my life and was immediately dissatisfied with the way I am living it. I ought to be happy as I am serving in Sunday School reaching out to kids, am serving as a volunteer with the Singapore Association for the Deaf reaching out to deaf & hearing persons alike, have seen much success in my work, and am spending good & quality time with God and my family, but the truth remains - I wasn't happy.
I was angry with myself that in some ways, God was not receiving all the glory due. I was frustrated, wondering how I could attribute my strengths and success to God in a coming secular public forum about deafness where I am an invited speaker. I thought of quitting the forum - if God cannot be glorified and His provisions publicly acknowledged, I don't think I want to have anything to do with it. My achievements in life, despite my physical weaknesses, wouldn't have been possible without God. On the other hand, it's an opportunity to let people know about this ordinary person, and invite them to find out more about how God has made this life extraordinary. May God grant me the strength and wisdom to do it rightly.
I was also angry with myself for not doing more for my peers in church. I have felt a burden for a few couples in their late 30s/early 40s, to reach out to them and encourage them to walk closely with the Lord. I cried at the altar yesterday and I know it's for my friends. I was at a loss as to how to broach this topic with them, since it is such a sensitive topic. Nobody likes to be told that they are lukewarm in their walk with the Lord, especially if they have been Christians much longer than I have. I have tried inviting them to join the Home Cell Fellowship but was rejected. I have invited them to try teaching at Sunday School or serving in some ways in church, but to no avail. If God has touched me, what am I doing for my peers to help them rediscover the passion in their relationship with our Lord Jesus Christ? Help me, God.
I also struggled with loving a much-respected family member. I ought to love him with the love of God, who love me despite my own sins and shortcomings. Yet, for a moment, I was so angry and disappointed that I felt like giving up. I thank God for not letting that happen. I laid hands on that person and prayed for him. I know God wants me to love him, whatever the costs.
God has just begun with me. I know He will show me the cost of following Him. Walking with God can be lonely, frustrating, and full of heartache. I am beginning to understand how terrible it was for the Lord during his earthly ministry. He experienced all manners of rejection, hate, and disappointment, despite doing all He could for people, despite being obedient to God. What am I to expect, if I want God's will to unfold in my life? I could always go for the bed of roses but having experienced God so intimately on many occasions, I can only say that I have no confidence in the flesh, and I will still choose Jesus any day, any time. Like the apostle Paul, I have a thorn in my flesh, which in my case is my being deaf, but God's grace is ever sufficient for me, and His strength is made perfect in my weakness.
Glory to God,
Thomas
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