I have shared with some of you how a dream started my mid-life soul searching and totally transformed my outlook on life. Within a few days after that dream in Feb 2004, I wrote a letter to my father, a former military man, a stern man with whom I seldom have conversations lasting more than a few minutes. I wrote to him because I love him & I haven't been able to express that love in any way in the past.
I am now releasing this letter for your reading because I believe some of you are like me in the sense that you do not share your hopes, dreams, fears and uncertainties with your father or mother. Perhaps you should try. As a father, I would love to hear from my daughters, and I believe most parents would love to hear heartfelt words from their children at least once before they pass on. This is the least we can do as responsible children.
May God bless you in His own special way as you read on.
Who's who in this letter
- Papa: my father, Tan Choon Hoi, who turned 68 last Nov. An outstanding athlete, goal-setter & achiever. I owe my zest for life, high threshold for overcoming the odds, disciplined focus, and desire to learn to my dad (& mom).
- Veron: my beloved wife
- Deborah & Rachel: my daughters
- Wee Lee: my younger brother
- Lawrence: my youngest brother
- Ah Ngoh Aunty: a friend of mom who rented a room to us when we were just married. She is a spunky grand lady who has since given her life to the Lord Jesus Christ.
- Dr Tan Lai Yong: son of Ah Ngoh Aunty, made an impact in my life though he doesn't know me.
- Chin Kah: a childhood friend who introduced me to Jesus in my junior college days. A steadfast friend whom I dearly looked up to.
- Dr William Tan: everyone in Singapore knows this man. He's touched lives, including mine, without knowing it. May God continue to bless this brethren.
February, 2004,
Singapore
Papa
I am thankful that I am able to share this with you. Do take time to read through the whole letter.
I was looking at Deborah last night, smiled at her, and then looked at my image in the mirror. Suddenly, a thought came over me. I thought about how much love and trust there is between a child and her father. I could see that love and trust in Deborah's eyes. Then I looked at myself. What if I were to suddenly pass away? I am sure Deborah, Rachel and Veron would be heart-broken. It's so sad to lose a loved one.
Some weeks ago, I had a dream, which caused me to ponder a little deeper about things. In that dream, I was told that it's time for me to leave this world, and I was asked what would I want to do in the short span of time before I leave this world. I realized I had much to do. There were words to say, things to do; how can one possibly do anything in such a short period of time? Then, in the same dream, it was time for me to go. I thought about other things:
- how is it that when it's time for us to be born, we don't seem to know anything. We didn't have any worry or arrangements to be made; we were simply born.
- how is it that when it's time for us to pass away, we are mostly left with unfinished tasks and unspoken words; hearts can be heavy at times, some wrongs done to us may not have been forgiven, or we may not have asked for forgiveness from those whom we have hurt. It's quite a different state compared to when we were born.
I also thought about how when we pass away, it's not like we were going away for a trip. There's no one to see us off at the airport; there is no airport in the first place. We don't walk with someone by our side. We walk alone. And it is a one-way trip...
When I woke up, my heart was heavy. I think life is a lot more important than the trivial things that sometimes take up too much of our time and attention. Life is important. When we were born, we didn't know anything, we were simply born. When we pass away, we know lots of things. We have seen the world, we have seen the things around us, we have experienced things and events that sometimes we cannot explain. We have experienced the love of friends and family. We know joy and sadness. We know that there is definitely a lot more to things than we really know. We are not like grass that grows today, withers tomorrow and is forgotten. We are definitely more precious than that.
That's why I was really glad when my friend Chin Kah shared with me about Christianity. I was doing quite well during my junior college days, and I really didn't think that God will make any difference in my life. But I had respect for Chin Kah. There was something special about him. You know how he lost his mother at a young age. I thought I could just see what Christianity was all about so that I can prove that I don't need to be a Christian. That was the start of a turning point in my life.
You know how I lost part of my hearing since young, and gradually over time. I cannot help but ask myself. Am I that self-sufficient? Can I say that just because I have a fine brain, I can try to survive on my own and depend on just myself or what the world can offer me? I could not. I realised that I am probably as strong as a puppy. Nonetheless, God showed me that I am not abandoned or hopeless. I may have a hearing impairment, but God has constantly taken care of my needs all the way. He gave me understanding parents from a young age. You and mommy did not view me differently, or as a handicapped person; neither did Wee Lee nor Lawrence. You all encouraged me to live a normal life; in fact I think you were and are still proud of me. That's a blessing that has made a big difference in my life. God has also blessed me with help in the form of friends at NTU and at my workplace, people who loved me and helped me along as a brother. Remember I was staying with Ah Ngoh aunty after Veron and I were married? Her son is Dr. Tan Lai Yong, a committed Christian who together with his wife is serving as a doctor in one of the remote villages in China. When I was a student at NTU, he regularly gave talks and encouragement to us, and I can see the tremendous love and sacrifice he has put in. There must be a reason for this. Remember Dr William Tan, the quadriplegic athlete whose sense of determination towers above the able-bodied man? Mom told me that he is a Christian, and I marvel at the power and optimism he has lived his life with.
2 years ago, Wee Lee came to my house one day. After sharing with me his problems then, he was in tears. I prayed for him and suggested that he consider becoming a Christian. We have attended Presbyterian Boys' School since young. Although we did not come from a Christian family, I believe God has already opened the way for our family since many years ago. Nevertheless, Wee Lee and I said a little prayer and he committed his life to Jesus. His life has since turned for the better.
As a Christian, I am not so concerned about whether my life changed for the better in material terms, whether I have a successful career or whether I drive a big car. I am more concerned about what I leave behind.
As I look at Deborah and Rachel, I want them to know that when I do leave this world, I am going to a place where they can also join me in future. I will not die, or have my soul tortured in hell. I will be in heaven with God. I want to leave them with no worries but with joy. Because that's what human relationship is all about. We cannot run away from being loving or caring.
There was one night when I woke up with an uneasiness. I was prompted to pray for you, which I did. I called mom the next day to ask if you were alright, and she said you were.
Although I may not say much, do know that I care about you, and that I love you as a son. It’s just that in the Chinese Singaporean household, we don’t show our affections openly. I know that you are also reciprocating by celebrating with us on birthdays and other special occasions. Thank you, Papa.
My desire for you, and Lawrence, and all my other friends and colleagues is that you have the assurance of knowing where you are going after leaving this world is not a place of torture, but a place of love and warmth. Even when we walk alone in the final passage of life on Earth, I will not be worried because I know I am going home to God our Creator.
Please forgive me if this topic about death rings uneasily. No one really likes to talk about death, but having dreamt about death-related issues for more than a couple of times, I cannot help but take it seriously.
Coming back, in all your trekking and mountain-climbing adventures, I am sure you must have seen beautiful scenaries of nature, like mountains, streams, lakes, and even wild flowers & plants, etc. They are just so beautiful. I myself saw the beautiful lakes and mountains in New Zealand. I was filled with awe. These things did not just come out from nowhere; someone must have created them. I believe that creator is God.
Papa,
I hope you will take some time to reflect on what I have shared. If you think what I have said is reasonable, I hope you will take a step to become a Christian. There is nothing shameful at all about admitting that we need God; we all do because we are not perfect. I know some Christians have given you a bad impression while you may have seen other virtuous non-Christians. This is not an important thing. The important thing is to know who we entrust our lives to. Who we know or don’t know will not make any difference when we need to face our Creator.
What does it take to become a Christian? All you need is to say the following prayer. You can do this in the privacy of your room or at the corner at the beach, in the quiet of the early morning.
"Father in Heaven,
I know that I am a sinner
and need forgiveness.
I believe that Your Son Jesus
died in my place,
to pay the penalty for my sin,
and rose again for my salvation.
I want to turn from my sinful ways,
so I now ask you,
Lord Jesus, to come
into my life as my Savior
and my Lord.
In Jesus name I pray, Amen."
There is nothing else we need to do to become a Christian, although once we become Christians, there are many things we would like to do to help ourselves grow and to help others. There is so much need in this world, but we can make a difference by being there to help, just like the many who have helped me in my life.
It's still not too late to entrust our lives to Jesus. There is no price to pay for becoming a Christian, but there is a price to pay for leaving this world without Jesus. I hope you will take this up, Papa, and then experience the joys for yourself and do many more things for others in the years ahead.
Love,
Your son,
Wee Huang (Thomas)
Category: cf_ltr, sounding board
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